Entry #2 - The fear of the doubt

 2021-06-29

I have lived my whole life in fear, fear of trusting people, i have been betrayed and thrown away so many times i came to the conclusion it was worthless to believe in people, because in the end.. There all the same, it is always the same history, always ends the same...

What should one do when you think you finally found someone you can trust? What should one do when the think of "maybe this time will be different" strike? When someone has been alone in the dark so long, even the slightest light ray looks suspicious, Can anyone blame you for not trusting? No, it is completely understandable, completely acceptable. Without our distrust we would not be alive by now, distrust is what makes us survive, so don't be afraid, it is okay, or at least, that is what we say to our self's, to others, to find a reasonable explanation why we doubt when in the end, we don't want to.

Imagine you finally meet that person, and after all, you end up trusting him/her, What do we do but live with fear, the fear of being abandoned again, when someone gives you hope, the hope you didn't believe existed, you don't want to let go that little piece of meaningless happiness. You want to believe so hard that there is more than loneliness, more than those dark thoughts that has been always been with you, you grab it so hard, that the fear only grows bigger and bigger. You don't want to think about it but it is impossible, you have been alone and betrayed so many times, that you really want to believe "no, this time it is going to be different, i'm sure of it"... "Sure", what a funny word, that word who in the end means nothing, like always, "how can you be sure?", "just because " you repeat to yourself and to others, because showing and believing that you are sure, gives imaginary strength that it is both, helpful.. and non existent.

Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every time that passes, the doubt grows, and wont stop, it is like you are waiting for something, any clue, any reason, any stupidity to go back to your safe place, where you know nobody can hurt you, when you know the only person you can trust, it is you. Once you have reached that moment it is almost impossible to go back, the line of no return has been crossed and nothing will make it go, and when you have to let go that little piece of hope you had, that moment is when the little soul you had... disappear.

In the end, when you are alone and hollow, all you hear in your head is... "I knew it.."